One Life, to Another

One Life, to Another

Miracles Can Happen! 

My life is an amazing thing to behold. Soon, I will be leaving for Nepal, the land of my heart, for six months! For work! Every single moment and particle of this statement is a dream come true! And I had never thought I would be so lucky. Not for one moment in my life. 

At the beginning of this year, I ended a psychologically, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive relationship. I took and I took and finally she did something I felt could not be violated. It's how you make excuses for everything someone did, but that one time, you realised that the bad behaviour and the basic disrespect for you as a human being, is deliberate: and that was it. I know the saying, 'hurt people hurt people', and I took it all cos I was trying to make it all better. But she never learnt. And maybe psychopaths do that cos that's the only way to deal with the hurt inside. But that's just unkindness and that really bugs me and I don't want that in my life. And I decided to leave behind what no longer serves me, what was toxic in my life. And I went on to cut every single shred of her out of my life. And it felt good :). 

Then I was seconded to do logistics for a major international event. It turned out to be the biggest choice I've made since I came back to Singapore in 2008. I felt like I have been asleep these past years here. Life has been good. I have a good job. There's money and I even bought my own place. It's been very comfortable, and I have been well blessed. There are lots to do. I got into community projects and it's just been very fortunate. Projects I take on take on grow tremendously and it is just awesome. 

I didn't even realise something was missing until I went back to do logistics. And then Bam!, it hits so hard it left me breathless. Lots of people don't understand the kind of logistics I do. I don't do supply chain logistics. I do humanitarian field logistics. Which means I manage the logistics of setup, distribution and tear down in a disaster, or when a site needs to be set up, from a refugee camp to a settlement to a stadium. The amount of planning, scheduling, distribution and operations management needed is massive. People also forget things need to come from somewhere and they then need to be moved to the right places. I run 6am-12am shifts. In the past, in the field, I could work from 3am to 1am the next day. I have been on full alert for three days, after which I collapse and sleep in a cave. 

It's a crazy life. And I love it! It's intense. It's all consuming. It's terrifying. It's massive. It's f exhausting. It's f challenging. But it is also f exhilarating and rewarding. It's better than falling in love. Nothing is wasted and there is a reason for everything that needs to be done and to be delivered. There is so much darkness and clarity at the same time. Excuses have no place in humanitarian logistics. So you have to have Plan A, B, C, D and maybe more for the different processes and for each step on the chain that could break down - someone wants a bribe, a driver had a heart attack, the authorities want different papers, a million things. 

And I love it. 

After that project ended, I was lost. I wanted to go back into the field. But life is so good right. I spoke to a friend and he very wisely said this: 'You are like the wild wolf that has been domesticated. Life is good. You are safe, fed and loved. There is no struggle. But at night, when you hear your kin howl in the night and know they run free in the woods, you can't help yourself.' It made me laugh, but I guess he got it spot on. 

Then the first earthquake in Nepal happened. And I decided I needed to go back, to the field, to the land of my heart, to do work that I love, for people in the country I love. And then began these series of miraculous events that blows my mind every time I think about it. 

Namaste.

 Summer in Boston at Tufts!!!

 It is so so so awesome.

Last year, after that inspiring trip to Boston, I wanted so badly to go back again. I harboured fantasies of getting a scholarship there. So I started looking up and reading up about the universities in Boston. I liked Tufts, so I started surfing through the sites and reading on all their stuff. And...

I came across this amazingly FREE course that is offered by the Summer Institute of Civic Studies, an intensive, two-week, interdisciplinary seminar at Tisch College, Tufts University!!! I was like, 'Really? Free?'. Only in America you know. So I spoke about it, raved about it, and also sighed about it cos I never thought my organisation will send me there, cos it is in the middle of term. But my dear hy said, 'Just try, you never know... .' So I put my name on the mailing list and when the time came, I opened my moouth and asked. And she was right! 

I am so so soooo grateful. Boston! It is an awesome programme and the readings are rather voluminous, but I am going there to study. To find out more about the course, see here! 

Yayyy!!!

Solar - World's Smartest Hamster

Solar, our new 7 month old hamster is way way way smart. She has learnt how to clean up and throw away her shit. No shit, pun intended! See that wheel she is sitting on? It's a new wheel and it is shitless. She used to have an old one. Every night I would sit there and talk to her, and clean her old wheel of shit. She would sit in the wheel and watch me with her big beady eyes.

One day, she shit again and decided to follow what I do. She picked up her shit in her mouth and attempted to spit it out of the wheel. Unfortunately, the old wheel had a curved mouth and it bounced back :O. The smart little girl, undeterred, tried again. Again, it bounced back :(. At that point, she looked like she was going to give up. So, I reached it and was going to clean up for her. Seeing me do it, she decided to try a third time! And this time round, she actually leaned out and spit the shit out onto the litter. Hurray! Success!

A couple of nights later, as we were having our usual bonding time, she sat there and groomed herself. Her shit came out again and she did it again in front of me, twice! Since then, I have never needed to clean her wheel again!

I have officially trained my hamster to clean up after herself! Chuff chuff!

Uno
(with us 8 Oct - 10 Nov 2011)

Uno passed away last night, as peacefully as a hamster could go. She is the hamster who stayed with me for the shortest period of time. She was not exceptional, not pretty and not smart (or so I thought). Coming after Gula 天财儿童 (child genius), she had big shoes to fill. She didn’t fit: into my expectations. I had felt she was a disappointment and hy said I treat her like a step-hamster, which I did not deny.

The only thing she was really good at was sleeping. She slept ALOT. I was disappointed with her and obviously did not love her as much as I loved Gula, super hamster. She had no interest in anything except sleeping. She was not obsessed with the wheel like Gula. She had a phobia of the slide in her two-storey dwelling and used the slide only for coming down. She climbed the bars of the cage to go up. Her cage was easy to clean because she never moved and hardly touched anything. In comparison, Gula dominated the cage, and every inch had to be washed as she left her mark everywhere. Uno seemed lacking in every aspect. There was only one thing she surpassed Gula in – her calm and her slowness.

After she died, we realised she was not lazy, or stupid, or slow, names I have unkindly called her. She was just ill and had been ill all the time. In the month barely that she had been with us, she had been trying her best. I think she knew she was dying from the moment she picked us.

I remember that day at the spca where she calmly and slowly went to hy and hy picked her because she was so calm and tame. She wasn’t an exuberant and active hamster, but looking back, I realised she was trying. I come home late at night and have established this regular ritual with all the hamsters I have kept. I would get Uno fresh veg from the fridge and call her and nudge her awake. In order to make her walk and exercise a little, I would wave the veg in front of her so that she would come to me. Eventually I would hold the veg while she held my fingers and ate. After that, she would always waddle to the back of the cage and clean herself until I call her and she would come out.

Like Gula in the last few days before her death, Uno really looked forward to these times and would keep moving and looking for me. I would sit there and keep stroking her and chanting the ‘Om Mani Padme Hum’.

People who have never loved and lived closely with animals always claim that animals do not have the knowing and awareness of life and death that people have. Yet, every single animal I have ever kept and raised and held in their dying breath has shown me again and again that they know.

Uno knew.

The last few days, she kept coming to look for me, and the moment I began to stroke her, she would just lie there and close her eyes. She did this the whole night, just before she passed away.

Both Gula and Uno died in my hands, when I was holding them. Gula had a rather bad heart attack and was moving around. Uno lied in my hands and breathed three hard breaths and stopped.

I felt guilty, that I loved Uno so little. She was with me for so short a time that I felt like she hadn’t left a mark in our lives and I felt bad. Does it matter to them if people remember them? Does it matter if they left a mark?

Then I realised she taught me a lesson, about love.

You see, I got her as a replacement for Gula, the hamster it broke my heart to let go off. I couldn’t bring myself to love her the way I love Gula. I compared, badly. I did not ill-treat or neglect her. I was kind and treated her well. But I did not love her. I held her and stroked her as she was dying because she was a hamster and a life, not as a hamster I love. I don’t know if she can tell the difference; if her knowing included that knowledge and awareness that, in those moments are mine, though I know she kept looking for me… .

I realised that the love, this love that I never gave to her, is my loss, not hers. I am lesser for it. It is not about the mark she left in the world or in my life. It is about the love that I never gave and it is what dies with me, inside me, not her.

The little hamster I didn't love, honoured me with her death and gave me this gift of love. There is none greater. She came to be my teacher. Me. Who saves everything because I am so afraid that I will lose it. Actually, the truth is there is nothing you can hold on to in this world, is there? Except what we give, because we can only give what we truly own. We cannot bring anything with us at the end. But the love we give, never leaves us. When my time is up, I will remember all the great loves I have had, the love I have given and the happiness I have brought, to both animals and humans. What else is there? What else can I take with me?

With this gift, Uno also paved the way for the hamsters and other animals to come. After Gula, I had told hy that I can’t imagine loving another hamster the way I loved Gula. But that was not the point. The point is, I can never love any animal the same way anyway. They are all different. This is the key I need if I want to keep going and doing this. Animals are a colossal part of my life. I cannot imagine life without them. If I believed in heaven, I wouldn’t go there if there were no animals there. The animals in my life will come and go. I will love them all equally hard, and that love does not need to be distributed in parts. It is NOT ‘Gula gets this much, and Uno only gets this much’. Gula’s love does not get lesser because Uno got as much love. What an amazing thing. We are so rich.

I quote these lines from my favourite modern poet, Mary Oliver (1935-)

To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

~ In Blackwater Woods

One Summer in Boston

It's always been a dream of mine: to study overseas. I gave up on that dream a looong looong time ago when the duties of prosaic life took over - car payments, parent support, wanting to buy a house - everything demands money. I was not unhappy. Life was and is good and life has been good to me. I have a stable decent job, a wonderful relationship, family's good and life is meaningful, filled with animals and issues and stuff I am interested in. Nothing to complain about. Then one summer, hy decided to do a course in the States, in Boston. And wonderful person that she is, she got me to join her. Initially I wasn't that keen. I never liked the States. Too many negative impressions from Hollywood movies and I had been in Seattle and didn't like it. But at least she'll be there and the weather would be cool.

That was all before I landed in Boston, of course.

My first few nights in Boston, we stayed in a hostel right smack in the middle of Boston University town. That was awesome. The hostel isn't anything to scream about, especially the bunk beds but the location's great. It is literally in the middle of everything. Because it was a university town, the place is clean and everything is within reach. The trains run on time and are easily accessible. People are friendly and everything works.

Beyond that, it was this air of learning. Boston is not a university town: it is a town overflowing with universities! MIT, Tufts, Harvard (of course) and Boston Uni itself, to name a few. (Check out this link for a list of the universities and colleges in Boston http://www.searchboston.com/boston_directory/Education/Colleges_and_Universities/). Everywhere you go, there are ads for courses, courses and more courses that anyone can enrol into. You switch on the telly and there are ads for courses for mid-career adults, undergraduates, post-graduates etc. You go to the eating places and they have free publications on courses available from different institutions and colleges for fall, summer and spring. It's amazing. The whole place is an exhortation to learn.

And so, I fell in love, with Boston.

It brought back memories of a dream I had, to study overseas. I love studying, I do. I was the kind of student who sat in the front, took copious notes, assigned assignments to herself and read more than the reading list.

I have always thought I am not smart enough because I had not done my masters and written a thesis. I mean, if I love studying I should be smart right, and should have done my masters a long time ago... .

Hy's been really encouraging, saying I should do this because it is my dream, instead of using the money to buy a house. So I am now starting to save for my masters in Boston and be there for a year. I have two-thirds more to go, which seems manageable, doesn't it? :)

Boston...

Imagine, being there, all the universities there. I can walk on the hallowed grounds of Harvard, go to all the libraries and study, really study, all the talks and the seminars, the intelligent and published professors... . Wow!

Super Gula!

Introducing Super Gula!

Gula was adopted from the SPCA last July after Hoho passed away. Hy and I picked her out. We originally wanted to take another hamster but she was not feeling well that day and bit hy so we picked Gula instead. We decided to name her Gula cos she is white like refined sugar.

The first time we picked her up, she was curious and active, but not very engaged. After that though, it became clear she is the bestest hamster in the world. She is surprisingly human. Recently her left eye suffered a little infection and caused her irritation. So I helped her clean it using the cotton buds humans used for their ears. She never resisted and after the first time, actually sat down to let me clean it while looking at me with her biig black eyes. She is just lovely.

She is about one and half now - hamsters have such a short life span... I am going to cry buckets when it's time for her to go. But in the meantime, here's Gula, full of life and love - all that we have to make meaning.

Hoho through the years:
1. Hoho hanging out on mum'shands. Mum takes her for a nightly walk.
2. Hoho slumping outside her house. Gave me a scare, I thought she had a heart attack!
3. Hoho looking really sad after I scolded her. She is so human!
4. Hoho's convertible fantasy.

Hoho Hamster 13 Nov 2007 – 29 May 2010

My hamster Hoho passed away peacefully at the ripe old age of 2 years and half years and 16 days. She was a normal winter white. She was the bestest hamster in the world.

I adopted her from the spca 13 April 2008, by which time she was already 6 months old. So I minused the 6months and made that her birthday. Initially I had walked into spca looking for a hamster that looked like my first hamster Haha. Haha was a male sapphire winter white that I had gotten cos when I saw him at the petshop, he was the last one left of his litter and he was sleeping on this white cotton fluff ball looking really cute. So when he passed away, I thought, ‘let’s get another Haha’, even he could be grouchy at times and nippy too.

Then I met Hoho.

She was the sweetest hamster in the world and I could never figure out why someone would give her up. She loved human company. I remember whenever I put my hand into her cage in the spca, she would come running to say hi. It was like the automatic. Even when she was somewhere in the cage, she was come running to the hand, no matter how often I put my hand in. So even though she didn’t look like Haha, I brought her home. And she turned out to be the best hamster in the world.

Mum and I fell in love with her. Cos she was always obliging and sweet and friendly. She learnt to do shuttle runs and hide in corners in the house. I remember the time I thought she had gotten lost. I called and called and she refused to come out. Then finally when I decided to ignore her and settle down to read. She came crawling out across my foot. She was where I was the whole time!

Having Hoho at home was like having a pocket-sized dog. She would come when she is called and come crawling to your hand and let you take her on a walk. We let her run everywhere on the tables. She loved to chew on cardboard boxes and I would collect all the boxes and make them into houses for her to crawl into so she can chew them to bits and make her own nest.

She is simply an awesome pet. And best of all, unlike Haha, she wasn’t a fussy eater. After Haha, I was a bit weary of Hoho’s diet, but she just ate everything I gave her. We would hold the tiniest morsel of food between our fingers and she would use her teeth to get it, without ever once biting our fingers. Her favourite foods are peanuts and buckwheats. She loves to eat from our hands. Mum said, the last few days before her death, she has been wanting to eat from her hands.

She never gave any trouble, never made noise, never complained except one time when she felt off the table on her back and she made the weird grating noise to show she was upset.

When the weather got hot, I put the fan on to help her cool down, but I didn’t direct it at her cos I read somewhere that hamsters don’t like draughts. Boy, was that piece of info wrong! Either that or Hoho decided she loved the fan. For her, it was like she was on some road trip and she was in a topless convertible. It made us all laugh like mad.

She brought so much joy and love to us.

Towards the end of her life with us, I chanted the 6-syllable mantra for her and prayed that she would have a peaceful death and a good rebirth for all the joy and love she has brought and given in her short hamster life here with us.

Goodbye Hoho. I love you. Thank you for all the love and joy you have brought with you and given in your short time here with us. May we meet again. Namaste Hoho. May you have a great journey.

Postscript:
I took my time to post this up... just felt like taking my time.

Ahhhh.....

What an awesome life :). I have just finished a project. Not great, but good and as long as the people who need are happy.... Times like these, I feel like everything will be ok, that we will always have enough to take care of and provide for the ones we love and live our dreams.

Right now, I am sitting at my cubicle, listening to a CD bought in Taiwan of Tibetan chants by a Nepali singer, looking at my guppies and betta, Hongbao - life can't get any better than this. After this, I go get my haircut and meet the love of my life - simple pleasures, simple joys. I am grateful I have all this, and even more grateful I am able to appreciate and give thanks for all these. Because it is never what you have, it is being able to enjoy what you have, however little, that makes life worth living. Like what a colleague told me the other day, 'if you are healthy and fit, you can take tigerair, but if you are unwell, even first class isn't going to make you happy'.

There are lots of stuff happening in my life at the moment that I can't share on this public space, however little read it is ;) but the world will hear of it when they all come true :D.

Grateful grateful grateful :D

This article is worth reprinting for all its arguments for gay marriage, which are rational, humane and compassionate: against all the irrational and religiously motivated arguments which are full of fear and hate.

The Conservative Case for Gay Marriage
Why same-sex marriage is an American value

by Theodore B. Olson for Newsweek
Published Jan 9, 2010
From the magazine issue dated jan 18, 2010

Together with my good friend and occasional courtroom adversary David Boies, I am attempting to persuade a federal court to invalidate California's Proposition 8—the voter-approved measure that overturned California's constitutional right to marry a person of the same sex. My involvement in this case has generated a certain degree of consternation among conservatives. How could a politically active, lifelong Republican, a veteran of the Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush administrations, challenge the "traditional" definition of marriage and press for an "activist" interpretation of the Constitution to create another "new" constitutional right? My answer to this seeming conundrum rests on a lifetime of exposure to persons of different backgrounds, histories, viewpoints, and intrinsic characteristics, and on my rejection of what I see as superficially appealing but ultimately false perceptions about our Constitution and its protection of equality and fundamental rights.

Many of my fellow conservatives have an almost knee-jerk hostility toward gay marriage. This does not make sense, because same-sex unions promote the values conservatives prize. Marriage is one of the basic building blocks of our neighborhoods and our nation. At its best, it is a stable bond between two individuals who work to create a loving household and a social and economic partnership. We encourage couples to marry because the commitments they make to one another provide benefits not only to themselves but also to their families and communities. Marriage requires thinking beyond one's own needs. It transforms two individuals into a union based on shared aspirations, and in doing so establishes a formal investment in the well-being of society. The fact that individuals who happen to be gay want to share in this vital social institution is evidence that conservative ideals enjoy widespread acceptance. Conservatives should celebrate this, rather than lament it.

Legalizing same-sex marriage would also be a recognition of basic American principles, and would represent the culmination of our nation's commitment to equal rights. It is, some have said, the last major civil-rights milestone yet to be surpassed in our two-century struggle to attain the goals we set for this nation at its formation.

This bedrock American principle of equality is central to the political and legal convictions of Republicans, Democrats, liberals, and conservatives alike. The dream that became America began with the revolutionary concept expressed in the Declaration of Independence in words that are among the most noble and elegant ever written: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Sadly, our nation has taken a long time to live up to the promise of equality. In 1857, the Supreme Court held that an African-American could not be a citizen. During the ensuing Civil War, Abraham Lincoln eloquently reminded the nation of its found-ing principle: "our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."

At the end of the Civil War, to make the elusive promise of equality a reality, the 14th Amendment to the Constitution added the command that "no State shall deprive any person of life, liberty or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person the equal protection of the laws."

Subsequent laws and court decisions have made clear that equality under the law extends to persons of all races, religions, and places of origin. What better way to make this national aspiration complete than to apply the same protection to men and women who differ from others only on the basis of their sexual orientation? I cannot think of a single reason—and have not heard one since I undertook this venture—for continued discrimination against decent, hardworking members of our society on that basis.

Various federal and state laws have accorded certain rights and privileges to gay and lesbian couples, but these protections vary dramatically at the state level, and nearly universally deny true equality to gays and lesbians who wish to marry. The very idea of marriage is basic to recognition as equals in our society; any status short of that is inferior, unjust, and unconstitutional.

The United States Supreme Court has repeatedly held that marriage is one of the most fundamental rights that we have as Americans under our Constitution. It is an expression of our desire to create a social partnership, to live and share life's joys and burdens with the person we love, and to form a lasting bond and a social identity. The Supreme Court has said that marriage is a part of the Constitution's protections of liberty, privacy, freedom of association, and spiritual identification. In short, the right to marry helps us to define ourselves and our place in a community. Without it, there can be no true equality under the law.

It is true that marriage in this nation traditionally has been regarded as a relationship exclusively between a man and a woman, and many of our nation's multiple religions define marriage in precisely those terms. But while the Supreme Court has always previously considered marriage in that context, the underlying rights and liberties that marriage embodies are not in any way confined to heterosexuals.

Marriage is a civil bond in this country as well as, in some (but hardly all) cases, a religious sacrament. It is a relationship recognized by governments as providing a privileged and respected status, entitled to the state's support and benefits. The California Supreme Court described marriage as a "union unreservedly approved and favored by the community." Where the state has accorded official sanction to a relationship and provided special benefits to those who enter into that relationship, our courts have insisted that withholding that status requires powerful justifications and may not be arbitrarily denied.

What, then, are the justifications for California's decision in Proposition 8 to withdraw access to the institution of marriage for some of its citizens on the basis of their sexual orientation? The reasons I have heard are not very persuasive.

The explanation mentioned most often is tradition. But simply because something has always been done a certain way does not mean that it must always remain that way. Otherwise we would still have segregated schools and debtors' prisons. Gays and lesbians have always been among us, forming a part of our society, and they have lived as couples in our neighborhoods and communities. For a long time, they have experienced discrimination and even persecution; but we, as a society, are starting to become more tolerant, accepting, and understanding. California and many other states have allowed gays and lesbians to form domestic partnerships (or civil unions) with most of the rights of married heterosexuals. Thus, gay and lesbian individuals are now permitted to live together in state-sanctioned relationships. It therefore seems anomalous to cite "tradition" as a justification for withholding the status of marriage and thus to continue to label those relationships as less worthy, less sanctioned, or less legitimate.

The second argument I often hear is that traditional marriage furthers the state's interest in procreation—and that opening marriage to same-sex couples would dilute, diminish, and devalue this goal. But that is plainly not the case. Preventing lesbians and gays from marrying does not cause more heterosexuals to marry and conceive more children. Likewise, allowing gays and lesbians to marry someone of the same sex will not discourage heterosexuals from marrying a person of the opposite sex. How, then, would allowing same-sex marriages reduce the number of children that heterosexual couples conceive?

This procreation argument cannot be taken seriously. We do not inquire whether heterosexual couples intend to bear children, or have the capacity to have children, before we allow them to marry. We permit marriage by the elderly, by prison inmates, and by persons who have no intention of having children. What's more, it is pernicious to think marriage should be limited to heterosexuals because of the state's desire to promote procreation. We would surely not accept as constitutional a ban on marriage if a state were to decide, as China has done, to discourage procreation.

Another argument, vaguer and even less persuasive, is that gay marriage somehow does harm to heterosexual marriage. I have yet to meet anyone who can explain to me what this means. In what way would allowing same-sex partners to marry diminish the marriages of heterosexual couples? Tellingly, when the judge in our case asked our opponent to identify the ways in which same-sex marriage would harm heterosexual marriage, to his credit he answered honestly: he could not think of any.

The simple fact is that there is no good reason why we should deny marriage to same-sex partners. On the other hand, there are many reasons why we should formally recognize these relationships and embrace the rights of gays and lesbians to marry and become full and equal members of our society.

No matter what you think of homosexuality, it is a fact that gays and lesbians are members of our families, clubs, and workplaces. They are our doctors, our teachers, our soldiers (whether we admit it or not), and our friends. They yearn for acceptance, stable relationships, and success in their lives, just like the rest of us.

Conservatives and liberals alike need to come together on principles that surely unite us. Certainly, we can agree on the value of strong families, lasting domestic relationships, and communities populated by persons with recognized and sanctioned bonds to one another. Confining some of our neighbors and friends who share these same values to an outlaw or second-class status undermines their sense of belonging and weakens their ties with the rest of us and what should be our common aspirations. Even those whose religious convictions preclude endorsement of what they may perceive as an unacceptable "lifestyle" should recognize that disapproval should not warrant stigmatization and unequal treatment.

When we refuse to accord this status to gays and lesbians, we discourage them from forming the same relationships we encourage for others. And we are also telling them, those who love them, and society as a whole that their relationships are less worthy, less legitimate, less permanent, and less valued. We demean their relationships and we demean them as individuals. I cannot imagine how we benefit as a society by doing so.

I understand, but reject, certain religious teachings that denounce homosexuality as morally wrong, illegitimate, or unnatural; and I take strong exception to those who argue that same-sex relationships should be discouraged by society and law. Science has taught us, even if history has not, that gays and lesbians do not choose to be homosexual any more than the rest of us choose to be heterosexual. To a very large extent, these characteristics are immutable, like being left-handed. And, while our Constitution guarantees the freedom to exercise our individual religious convictions, it equally prohibits us from forcing our beliefs on others. I do not believe that our society can ever live up to the promise of equality, and the fundamental rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, until we stop invidious discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

If we are born heterosexual, it is not unusual for us to perceive those who are born homosexual as aberrational and threatening. Many religions and much of our social culture have reinforced those impulses. Too often, that has led to prejudice, hostility, and discrimination. The antidote is understanding, and reason. We once tolerated laws throughout this nation that prohibited marriage between persons of different races. California's Supreme Court was the first to find that discrimination unconstitutional. The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously agreed 20 years later, in 1967, in a case called Loving v. Virginia. It seems inconceivable today that only 40 years ago there were places in this country where a black woman could not legally marry a white man. And it was only 50 years ago that 17 states mandated segregated public education—until the Supreme Court unanimously struck down that practice in Brown v. Board of Education. Most Americans are proud of these decisions and the fact that the discriminatory state laws that spawned them have been discredited. I am convinced that Americans will be equally proud when we no longer discriminate against gays and lesbians and welcome them into our society.

Reactions to our lawsuit have reinforced for me these essential truths. I have certainly heard anger, resentment, and hostility, and words like "betrayal" and other pointedly graphic criticism. But mostly I have been overwhelmed by expressions of gratitude and good will from persons in all walks of life, including, I might add, from many conservatives and libertarians whose names might surprise. I have been particularly moved by many personal renditions of how lonely and personally destructive it is to be treated as an outcast and how meaningful it will be to be respected by our laws and civil institutions as an American, entitled to equality and dignity. I have no doubt that we are on the right side of this battle, the right side of the law, and the right side of history.

Some have suggested that we have brought this case too soon, and that neither the country nor the courts are "ready" to tackle this issue and remove this stigma. We disagree. We represent real clients—two wonderful couples in California who have longtime relationships. Our lesbian clients are raising four fine children who could not ask for better parents. Our clients wish to be married. They believe that they have that constitutional right. They wish to be represented in court to seek vindication of that right by mounting a challenge under the United States Constitution to the validity of Proposition 8 under the equal-protection and due-process clauses of the 14th Amendment. In fact, the California attorney general has conceded the unconstitutionality of Proposition 8, and the city of San Francisco has joined our case to defend the rights of gays and lesbians to be married. We do not tell persons who have a legitimate claim to wait until the time is "right" and the populace is "ready" to recognize their equality and equal dignity under the law.

Citizens who have been denied equality are invariably told to "wait their turn" and to "be patient." Yet veterans of past civil-rights battles found that it was the act of insisting on equal rights that ultimately sped acceptance of those rights. As to whether the courts are "ready" for this case, just a few years ago, in Romer v. Evans, the United States Supreme Court struck down a popularly adopted Colorado constitutional amendment that withdrew the rights of gays and lesbians in that state to the protection of anti-discrimination laws. And seven years ago, in Lawrence v. Texas, the Supreme Court struck down, as lacking any rational basis, Texas laws prohibiting private, intimate sexual practices between persons of the same sex, overruling a contrary decision just 20 years earlier.

These decisions have generated controversy, of course, but they are decisions of the nation's highest court on which our clients are entitled to rely. If all citizens have a constitutional right to marry, if state laws that withdraw legal protections of gays and lesbians as a class are unconstitutional, and if private, intimate sexual conduct between persons of the same sex is protected by the Constitution, there is very little left on which opponents of same-sex marriage can rely. As Justice Antonin Scalia, who dissented in the Lawrence case, pointed out, "[W]hat [remaining] justification could there possibly be for denying the benefits of marriage to homosexual couples exercising '[t]he liberty protected by the Constitution'?" He is right, of course. One might agree or not with these decisions, but even Justice Scalia has acknowledged that they lead in only one direction.

California's Proposition 8 is particularly vulnerable to constitutional challenge, because that state has now enacted a crazy-quilt of marriage regulation that makes no sense to anyone. California recognizes marriage between men and women, including persons on death row, child abusers, and wife beaters. At the same time, California prohibits marriage by loving, caring, stable partners of the same sex, but tries to make up for it by giving them the alternative of "domestic partnerships" with virtually all of the rights of married persons except the official, state-approved status of marriage. Finally, California recognizes 18,000 same-sex marriages that took place in the months between the state Supreme Court's ruling that upheld gay-marriage rights and the decision of California's citizens to withdraw those rights by enacting Proposition 8.

So there are now three classes of Californians: heterosexual couples who can get married, divorced, and remarried, if they wish; same-sex couples who cannot get married but can live together in domestic partnerships; and same-sex couples who are now married but who, if they divorce, cannot remarry. This is an irrational system, it is discriminatory, and it cannot stand.

Americans who believe in the words of the Declaration of Independence, in Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, in the 14th Amendment, and in the Constitution's guarantees of equal protection and equal dignity before the law cannot sit by while this wrong continues. This is not a conservative or liberal issue; it is an American one, and it is time that we, as Americans, embraced it.

Find this article at http://www.newsweek.com/id/229957 © 2010

Being Home

Sometimes when things happen,they just happen all at the same time. The first death of an aid worker from Singapore. A stranger who had a fit in a public place. And a friend's dad needed help.

Sometimes who you have been for a long time in your life, a life in the field lived intensely just lies dormant in you. The skills, the contacts, the issues automatically rise to the surface. It doesn't mean that's what I want again, it's just that all the things that I know so intimately, and can do so well, just rise to meet the situation at hand. Like a ghost, the old self flits past, but there is no place for it in the land of the living.

That day, I set out to buy fish food for my new betta and added a bottle of vitamins for my hamster. When I got home, I fed betta and gave the vits to hoho, my hamster. The animals are happy and satisfied. I sat down and felt this great sense of fulfilment and satisfaction. My gf says it's cos I got my tasks done. But it's more than that. It's cos I am home, in my home, in my country; and everyone is taken care of. More important than getting things done, people are taken care of. That's why I was a good logistician, cos I understood that ultimately logistics is about taking care of the people, moving resources so that people's needs are taken care of. People I love and care about are safe. For a brief moment, I don't have to worry, to send my mind feelers out looking for all the things that might go wrong, all the things that needed to be taken care of. The world was okay, for that short moment, however short the moment was.

I am happy now, with the stability in my life. I am more grateful than anyone can ever imagine. I like that. I give thanks for all the good news and stuff that have happened in life. Like a friend's sis whose lumps have all been found to be benign. The animals at Noah's Ark who are all ok. My dear gf who takes care of stuff too and doesn't make me worry. Parents who are all ok. Ah Ma is ok. My brother and sis-in-law who are wonderful people and handling their lives well. This new job that is stable and is turning out just great. I am grateful for this good karma. And it should be shared so I continue to do the stuff I do, with the animals, with whoever I can, when friends ask for help. That's the least we can do right? What else is there?

Today, I had an orientation at the library. I took the opportunity to walk along the shelves and look at books I can borrow. It's has been such a long time since I last walked into a library and browsed for books I actually borrow. It's a luxury. I remember in uni, I would set myself a timeline to finish reading entire shelves of books. In the field, most of the time, I am building and trying to organise libraries. I never get a chance to walk along the shelves and pick up books. I can do that again. Everyday, little luxuries like that hit me.

Sometimes I ask myself if I miss that life. Some people say, 'if you have to ask, you don't'. haha, maybe.... The truth is I don't. I like what I have now, everyday, every moment of it. I am not a morning person and I have to work hard to psyche myself to wake up early in the morning, but I wouldn't exchange this for the life I had. I ask myself that when stuff happens cos I know I am good, at emergencies, when the roof caves in. It takes time, I guess, to let go of that person you have so intensely been for 7 years and come home. That job was automatic and I always felt like it was a calling. Coming home here, I have to work a lot harder. But beyond work and what I can do, I am happy these days. That means more to me. These days, I am just happy munching grass. Just grateful to be alive. Grateful to be home. It is also an expressed desire and intention, to be here, to be home. To lead a 'normal' life.

"We throw our parties; we abandon our families; we struggle to write books that do not change the world, despite our gifts and unstinting efforts, our most extravagant hopes. We live our lives, do what we do, and then we sleep - it's as simple and ordinary as that." ~ Clarissa, in The Hours by Michael Cunningham. I used to think that was scary and I wanted life to be great. My philosophy was, "Because out there, it was possible to be great. Greatness was still possible." ~ Tracks by Robyn Davidson. But these days, it's okay. Okay to come home, to be home, to build lasting relationships with real people, to struggle to get up in the morning for the simple things in life: because everything is sacred, everything is meaningful. It all depends on us. We are too quick, too impatient to say 'we are bored' and 'things are boring'. But there is beauty in everything. We can't see it, that's all, cos we have already labelled it 'boring' and dismissed it.

I have always looked at the jobs I have had as a wonderful journey, the miraculous steps that they make up. How the worst eventually made me wake up and chose a different way of life. A year ago, I left a job I was happy in to go back into the field. I felt I needed to give it one last shot. I guess in a way, I did fulfil my word to myself. It was my last shot. I have no regrets. I am grateful that I got a second chance to go back into what I was and am happy doing in sg. Maybe the bad happened because it is time for me to leave the field for good. The work outside will never be done but there is work to be done here too, at home. Like one of the projects I am on now is getting me to touch base again with the NGOs in sg. It is great. And the other project gets me to do what I do best - systems and processes. Awesome!

My First Muay Thai Match

I did it. I finally did it. After a year of training and whatever effort I put into it. I finally got it over with. I must say, it has been an awesome experience. Not just the match itself but the whole experience of being with the team and training together and everyone training and living just for the fight. I like the simplicity of the obsession.

Prior to the match, I was training everyday. It was tiring. Mon-fri 9-6pm work, 7-10pm training; Sat and sun 10-3pm training. Occasionally we get sundays off, which I was really grateful for. At the camp a week before the match, we start the day at 6am with a 10k run, then straight on to training without breakfast! (I would not have survived if I hadn't smuggled in packets of milk. Fruit bars doesn't work cos we will just puke it out.) We stop for lunch after which we have an hour's rest before we start training again. We stop for dinner but have the night to rest at least. Simple days - nothing but muay thai.

At the camp, with the match looming big in the background, different people have different ways of coping. The noisy group would sit around discussing combos, techniques and strategies. The quiet group sit with their ipods ignoring the world. I kinda sit in-between. I don't have a habit of using earphones and I don't sit around discussing stuff. Actually, I prefer not to think about the match at all. I just want to sit around and relax. Avoidant personality? maybe :). Cos, I have already done what I can. I have trained my darnest, done what I can. I can't predict what will happen in the ring and don't want to waste energy thinking about it. Que sera sera....

Though I have to confess. Nervous energy built up on the start of the day itself. We went to the stadium early, 2.5hrs early to do all the preps, warm ups, stretch, meet our competitors/opponents and a million other things to do. I was logged down for Fight #5. To be honest, it was scary. Watching the fight before mine, I completely forgot about the Ram Muay Wai Kru, the ritual dance for my school. Scary, I tell you....

Before the fight, we get rubbed down with oil and have vaseline smeared on our faces so we won't get cut by the elbows too easily. We prepare the mongkon, our headress for the Ram Muay Wai Kru, our mouthguards and ankle guards. We have the cape for our side of the ring. It's complicated and elaborate. Then we sit ringside to wait to go into the ring.

The waiting is when your heart beats into your ears and you feel like it has dropped onto the floor. I hate that feeling. It's that same feeling I experienced at the start of the 100m line, waiting for the shot to ring out. Only this one has the biggest unknown. With the 100m, it's contained. The finishing line is clear. There are no surprises. With this, stepping into the ring is just the beginning. You have no idea what your opponent is like, how you will do when pit against her... You know nothing and the unknown is always, always scary.

The hardest part of it for me was wondering what I am supposed to do once I get into the ring. I'm not the sort to go out fighting. I don't pick fights. And the first round is usually just a testing ground for the opponents, friendly-like. I used to get into fights in the school playground but I seem to have lost that me sometime back....

That issue was resolved when my opponent decided to take the initiative which was good for me. So my master and seniors were right. Once you take first blow, you won't look back. It's not the aggression. It's like the first blow is the key. It unlocks this part of you and you don't hold anything back. You just go. I can't really describe it. It didn't come from a place of anger. It was very gracious. When we are separated by the referee or begin the next round, we would smile and do the bow, have our gloves meet. But once that is over, the fight starts, every round. It's awesome, that compartmentalization.

So I went out and did it. Round after round. There was no fear, no anxiety. Somehow being in the ring felt like being in the flow. You are in the zone. You just do what needs to be done. You just do what you have or rather your body has been trained to do. You just do your very best. And it isn't about the losing or the winning. You don't hear the crowds or the yelling. You are just in that moment, looking for the next opening, to give the next blow. That's it. It's been a long time, but I remember 'The Zone'.

I have always been a poor trainee. I am slow to pick up techniques and I have to do stuff step-by-step. At the camp, new techniques were taught to us that I was so sure I would not be able to absorb quickly enough to use. After all, I have always just wondered how I can remember what technique to use when I need it. My body takes over... though I have always doubted it....

But that day, it remembered techniques and moves I didn't even think registered in my head! And it all came out. I even remember this beautiful move taught just two days before the match and it was executed so perfectly :D. Amazing!

At the end of it all, what I really enjoyed the most was living and training together. Everyone was in it for the same thing. There was a cammaraderie and a togetherness that doesn't exist in real-life. Our room doors were left open and team mates can just walk in. We shared everything yet we had enough space for each individual cos at the end of the day, it was our own fight. There was an automatic commonality cos our lives revolved around one thing and one thing only - Muay Thai. So simple, life is rarely, or maybe even never like that.

One of my seniors told me, last year, after his first fight, he felt lost coming back to sg. His life revolved around muay thai for so long he didn't know what to do when he was no longer training for a fight. I know exactly what he means.

Since I came back to sg, I have not stopped feeling grateful that I have found muay thai. I still haven't. It has given sports back to me. I hold memories of the training in my body, not just my mind.

When I was a kid, I always admired the national athletes in China. They were handpicked as children and their whole lives was lived for one purpose. They know nothing else. I had always wondered what happened to them when they grew up or when they hit the ceiling (pun intended). Sports had been a big part of my life growing up. It was a perhaps the most childlike thing I know - to be able to move your body and enjoy it - play. I have always felt, boys and more so girls who disliked sports deprive themselves of so much joy and fun. In sg society, it is the only time they don't have to worry about their looks and looking cool, and acquire an internal locus of control.

It has always been difficult to separate training and the competition, because the training is for the competition. It is difficult because the public sees only the competition, the test, the examination. In a society like sg, where failure is debilitating and success is tied to ego and face and pride, it is even more difficult. The truth is that the competition cannot measure who you are, the commitment you have invested and the love you have for the sport. Those values are measured in the training undergone. The experience of sports is not measured only by the experience of the competition, but by the the whole experience that includes the training.

For me, the hours I have put in for a year, the night after night of training in the year before the match is my entire experience of muay thai. That experience is not just reflected in my thoughts, but is contained within my body. It has become a part of how I express myself and play, how I take joy in being able to finally master a move, a step, a combi after having attempted it thousands of times. In order to maintain my love of the sport, the martial art, I need to separate the training and the competition. I started training in muay thai because I fell in love with it, the demands it made of me and the intensity. I took up the challenge of the fight because of ego, because I wanted to see if my body is able to stand the test.

Maybe also cos I enjoy it so much, sports has always been easy for me. My body has always been a wonderful gift. So I never learnt to appreciate my ability at sports and in that sense, never respected the hard work that was involved. I could walk into the court and play volleyball and get selected for the school team. I could walk into the field and the teacher will ask, you wanna play hockey on the national team? Sports came easy. But I suck at muay thai. I am too old, too slow, retarded whatever. But I didn't give up or gave it up.

In the past, despite all the sports I have done competitively - track, x-country, basketball, netball, swimming, badminton, kayaking - I was always training to win. So in a sporting match, I have never understood how sports brings two competing people together. It was all about beating the other person. In muay thai, however, learning about the sport starts with respect. That is what the Ram Muay Wai Kru is about. It is a traditional ritual dance to give respect to the martial art, your school, your master, your parents and your country. When you step into the ring, you respect your opponent and the sport by going 100% and not holding anything back. That is how life should be lived, with respect for self and world.

It has made a difference. Last night I watched a tennis match. I do sports but I hated watching sporting events and competitions, always found it boring. But now I have learned to respect and admire the training and the commitment that the athletes have invested into their chosen sport to be where they are. I now see that behind every serve, every breath, every step, is years and months of training and hard work. Win or lose, the commitment they have given is admirable. In life, there will always be losers and winners, it's more important how you lose and even, how you win. Cos at the end when it is all over, it is not the winning or the losing but the how that determines character.

"I have learned that everybody wants to live at the peak of the mountain without realizing that real happiness lies in the way we climb the slope." ~ Johnny Welch

And finally, my tribute to my team mates. I will not post their pic for privacy reasons.
Fight # 1. Yin
Fight # 2. John
Fight # 3. Din
Fight # 4. Kenny
Fight # 5. Alicia
Fight # 6. Mike
Fight # 7. Simon
Fight # 8. Karun
Fight # 9. Brian
Fight # 10. Gary

Blessings!
.

Daisy Chains and Flower Petals

I can’t remember when I first noticed dad had aged. But I remember it was a Sunday afternoon many years ago when I was home and I was talking to dad when it suddenly occurred to me that his hair is now white. I think that was when I first noticed aging. As kids, you kinda think your parents are invincible and they will always remain the way they are.

With mum the realisation took place more recently. It isn’t so much the physical changes that made me realise mum too is getting old too but the change in her behaviour. She is getting more forgetful and has her moods occasionally these days.

Mum and dad have always been different people leading separate lives. Dad planned for his retirement and has always been able to find something to occupy himself with. Mum didn’t plan for her retirement and was retrenched just before she got her pension by an unjust employer. Mum is bored at home and I think it affects her a lot mentally to be jobless and cooped up at home.

They are both losing their hearing and their memory. Mum forgets these days where she leaves her things and dad these days leave for work with the front gate wide open. Mum gets confused these days and can’t remember even stuff like friends coming over.

These are the physical observations. I don’t know what else is there. I don’t know why I am writing this in my blog either. These are just thoughts and I have been wanting to note them down for a long time now. There are times when I feel I am observing time.

I suppose in a way, it makes me slow down. Makes me more patient with them. Cos you realise, it’s age and it changes people and they can’ fight it. That’s sobering. These days, I sit and think of all the years gone by, the good and bad times and all the stuff in-between. Life just kinda passes you by.

When people talk about a life with no regrets, it’s often about living their dreams and making sure they have done everything they feel they want to do. Long time ago, I realise it’s about people and time. When my parents pass away, I don’t want to feel I haven’t spent time with them. When my hamster passes away, I want to know I have made her as happy as she could possibly be as a hamster. When we love the people in our lives enough, when they are happy, we are happy. No regrets, that way. Don’t need big and inspiring dreams.

Life is a daisy chain, of small happiness joined together. You put together whatever you can and then you look up and you have made someone smile.

********************************************************

I think of Ah Pak. And I think of the times I went to have dinner with him in Woodlands. To this day, I always remember how every time he will tell me in Cantonese to make sure I understand him, “Ah Lynn ah, lay lei tong Ah Pak sik fan, Ah Pak ho hoi sum, lei ji dao ma?”. No, I am not going to translate that. That is how I remember it, forever. His children never eat with the old couple, they say their food is filthy.

Ah Ma and Ah Pak have three sons. The first was a technician, the second, a banker and the third went clinically insane studying to be a doctor. The second son, cos he had the most cash, bought their terrace house from them promising to look after them. He bought the house from them at less than S$20k, the price they bought it for nearly 30 years ago when the price in the 1990s would have been at least S$600-800k. He kept that promise until he got married to a wicked witch. She drove the old people out of the house saying they were filthy and made the house so. The son wasn’t a bad guy, just weak, maybe. So, with whatever conscience he had left, he rented a one-room flat in Woodlands for them. He pays the rent and gives the two old people S$100 a month. The first son got angry with the old man and woman cos he felt they should have sold the house and divided the money into 3 portions. In that frame of mind, he abandoned the old couple. The third son was incapable of looking after even himself so there’s not much I can say for him.

I cannot remember the year my parents found out Ah Ma and Ah Pak have been moved to the flat, but they brought me. And for the first time in my life, I couldn’t help but cry in front of my parents. I had lived with Ah Ma and Ah Pak when I was a child, in their house with chickens and ducks and cats and birds. She taught me how to climb trees, pluck rambutans and catch spiders. She caught mice and showed me how they mated and gave birth. I was closer to her than my mum, maybe still am in a way. My brother and I have been brought up to be filial. My parents took care of my grandparents and they lived with us till they passed away. It was sad to see the two old people I care about so much now living in a one-room flat with a single window. The house was not too clean cos they were already in their late eighties and couldn’t see or move too well.

I really cannot remember how many years it has been, just never counted. But it must have been a long time. I remember I haven’t even started driving yet and I would take the bus and go visit them, to eat with them, buy food for them, just to spend some time with them and give them whatever pocket money I can afford back then till I started earning more. To pay for the phone and utility bills, Ah Pak would sell costume jewellery at bus interchanges. In all those years, Ah Ma never stepped out of the flat cos she couldn’t see very well, can’t speak any other language other than Hainanese, and wouldn’t be able to find her way home again if she got lost.

In 2007, before I started a new job, Ah Pak decided he wanted to bring Ah Ma back to China. So I brought the two of them back to Hainan where Ah Pak had a house. And so, that’s how they ended up in Hainan. Ah Pak would then buy all his trinkets and costume jewellery there and sell them here to finance all their expenses, until he passed away last year at the grand old age of 93. He had caught a flu and it turned into pneumonia as it does in old age.

At his death and the preparations for his funeral, his sons didn’t care. They didn’t know what clothes he wore and wanted, his portrait, all the stuff he liked and would wear for the funeral, so I picked everything. They were busy bickering and the first son wanted the second son to pay for all the expenses. I actually raised my voice and told them off, in front of the funeral director and again on the last day. On the last day, the eldest son actually had the cheek to tell me I don't know much cos I am not "actual" family when I tried to stop him from forcing Ah Ma to come back from Hainan. She is happy there, has her family and friends who take care of her there and everyone speaks the only language she knows. He wants her back to make himself feel better and for whatever money she has left, regardless of her wishes. That's when I let it all out. Who has been taking care of them all these years? He has never even visited them in their flat in sg or the last few years they have been in Hainan! Bastard! Useless son. That's why Ah Pak never thought well of him. Now I know.

Sometimes I miss Ah Pak. Actually he wasn’t an easy old man to live with. He had a foul temper and was forever scolding someone. But he never scolded me. He tried to once and I told him not to raise his voice and he never did it again. He was so alive and strong. It was just the pneumonia.

When he passed away, his son asked me what I wanted from his place at Woodlands. I told him all I wanted was Ah Pak’s old passport when he was a sailor. It was a really old book, filled with stamps from the countries he used to travel to in his youth when he worked as a sailor to gratify his travel lust and to provide for his family. Ah Pak wasn’t a farmer. He was always proud of that and always showed it to me every time I went to visit him and he would tell me where he has been. All I wanted was that. It was old, ancient, passport-sized. It had a button to keep the book closed and was dark blue with the bits peeling off it. And his son never kept that for me. Cos he said it was filthy so they just threw it out. Useless bastards, every single one of them. Lightning strike, as the Chinese used to believe. I was so angry but what can I do?

For some reason, it has always been important to me to have something concrete from people I have loved. It seems so superficial but I am afraid I will forget. Forget stuff in bits and pieces. Like flower petals, once they fall, you can’t put it back. You just don’t have a flower anymore.

How I Learned to be Happy in the Recession

These days I have so much time to think. Period. About everything. And as is natural, I think about the past. And can’t help but compare it with the present. The present, you have to admit, is an amazing thing. It is always clearer than the past or the future. Everyday is like a treasure. I look at my feelings and it seems like I have never felt the way I feel before. Of course, I haven’t. I have never been back on this island I call home for such a long period of time. I have never settled down in a place and felt happy in that place. There was in the past such restlessness and I was never sure if I was chasing the disaster or the disaster was chasing me. Maybe I was the one chasing it. So the earth is quiet now, huh? I have stopped chasing it ;P Like that cat that ran because I was chasing it when I was a child. At the end of the day, I think that’s what all of life is about. All the things that manifest themselves in our lives are what we chased in dreams that we don’t even know we have.

I have stopped shopping these days, which is why I thought about the past, specifically with my ex. She just couldn’t stop shopping. There was always a compelling reason why she had to buy something from somewhere. When I look at her and some other people I know, I always thought people shop cos they feel empty inside. Why would we need more bags and shoes than we can ever use in a life time? Why do we need to have all that many things? Why do we need to buy something just cos we can afford it? Just cos we feel we want it? Just cos it’s nice? Just cos someone we know has it? Just cos it’s the latest? In that less than one year with her, I accumulated so much stuff I actually feel bad about the money I have spent. I look at all the stuff I have from that year past and I realised I don’t even like some of the stuff I have. Think of all the money I could have saved…. Sigh.

So now, I am learning to be lighter. Getting rid of stuff and learning to live with what I really like and will use. Of cos, I can’t blame everything on my ex. Half of it comes from my own insecurity too. I have a tendency to hoard cheap stuff, mostly toiletries. And I buy all the cheap stuff cos I am always afraid I will not be able to afford it when I need it - which is a childhood thing. But it’s different from the hundreds of dollars I spent on bags and shoes with that ex. It’s not just the shopping, it’s the other stuff too, like the mentality of hoarding.

Growing and living in a consumer society doesn’t help. Unlike other countries where they have a countryside, people in sg rarely picnic and camp and read, write, draw or pursue craft hobbies that does not require them to spend a lot of money. The only thing that people are addicted to is work. So people work and shop and forget to fall in love, unless food’s involved. We grow up being told that everything that is fun, exciting and passionate comes from outside of us. If we want to be athletic, we need the newest sports top, shorts and shoes. If we want to be beautiful, we need to have the latest make up from the best cosmetic brands. If we want to be sexy, we need that gear from a famous brand. We can’t be our best without external assistance. No matter what we do, how hard we strive, we will never be complete or whole, unless we are accompanied by the latest branded item. If you browse ads in newspapers in UK, US, China, India, Australia or even Thailand, you will never find as many ads on slimming as you can in the local media. That serves to tell women, ‘You are so not good enough. You are not skinny enough. You are not pretty enough. You are not sexy enough. You are not enough. You need help. If you want to be loved, you need to be slim, to be sexy, to be pretty, to be rich, to dress well, to wear make up, to drive an expensive car.’ I know restless women and men like that and they are not happy. To them, something’s always not quite right, something's always missing, what they have is not good enough, not perfect, not whole, not polished enough. And to keep from realising all that and having to think and examine their selves and values, they find other addictions - work, meetings, appointments, friends - endless rounds of things to do, errands to run, things to buy and people to meet.

So it’s a vicious cycle. We grow up being told we need to shop to be better. We grow up being told our possessions define us – the more we have, the happier we will be. The more expensive and branded our things are, the better we will be. We will feel a sense of completion, of well-being, of beauty and happiness. Maybe it does, until we see the next thing we simply have to have and we are tired of that old new toy. And the boredom sets in really quickly, cos we never loved that new branded thing. Cos you can’t love that handbag, no matter how limited our language is for love. That isn’t love, that thing that can give you a hug back and make sure someone leaves the light on for you and makes hot horlicks for you on a rainy day.

And we wonder why we feel so empty. With all our self-help books and smart excuses.

I learned to sit and breathe. Without anything else – no books, no music, no ipod, no laptop, no emails, no work. I just sit and breathe. Anywhere and everywhere. Letting thoughts flow when they do. And I refuse to run. Because I have nothing to fear and nothing that I am attached to. "You want to know what? Normally, what I do for fun is just nothing. I try to just relax. Normally, it involves just relaxing and reading and maybe going out and meeting up with a friend. I live a very simple existence. I would much rather just sit around and listen to a couple of records and read the paper. The simpler the better.” ~ Colin Hanks (son of Tom) in an interview. As the Chinese say, 知足常乐. I learned to be ordinary and to be comfortable with myself and simplicity.

I learned to trust. That I will be provided for. That I will be given enough to take care of my loved ones and the precious ones. No, of course I can’t live on air. These days, I make enough with hardly anything left for luxuries. So I learned to live without luxuries of the material kind. I stop shopping. I don’t need another pair of pants. I don’t need another shirt. I don’t need another bag. I don’t need another pair of shoes. I can’t even wear out all the ones I bought last year. I learned to trust that when I need something, I will get it. I haven’t been let down so far :). It is more important to me that I have enough to take care of the people and animals that matter so much to me – my parents, my foster mum, the animals at Noah’s Ark, simple things I can do with my gf. And the Universe has been so good when it comes to that. Cos I can go hungry but not the people and animals whom I love right? :)

Then I learned that luxury is free. Like the air that I breathe. Like my thoughts and the million and one things that I am grateful for. I even learned to be grateful for the recession, for this enforced slowing down. "Some of the positive effects of a recession include taking the excesses out of the economy, balancing economic growth, creating buying opportunities in different asset classes and creating changes in consumer attitudes.” http://www.investopedia.com/articles/economics/09/lessons-recessions-depressions.asp . Everything is going back to the right place. Life is always one full circle. What goes up must come down and now we are in the down part. If we can learn to enjoy both the ups and the downs, nothing can shake our core. When it’s boom time, we can party. When it’s down time, let’s sit and learn to enjoy the simple things and simple life again. Then we are truly free. Because no-thing or external circumstance can shake us. And we define success and luxury for ourselves. We are. Being. Who we are. From Rudyard Kipling’s If

“If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;”

So, in this recession, I learned to be happy. To come back home to myself in more ways than one. To discover that I have vast and endless resources. That I am rich with thoughts and feelings and ideas. When I face this global economic change, let go off what I held on to but never needed and allowed myself to change, the fear falls away.

You think I am being idealistic? Remember Warren Buffet? People know him as the richest man on earth. But if you look at the values he holds, they have nothing to do with his wealth. He still lives in the same house he bought at $32k. His favourite past time after work is to eat popcorn in front of the tv and drink cherry coke. “It’s hard to give advice to someone who might lose their job. My Dad went to work on August 13, 1931 to find out the bank where he worked and held all our money had closed. He had no job and no money and two kids. You want to be as prepared as you can and you just don’t want to have debt. Medical problems cause a lot of the grief and lots of credit card debt. Credit cards are poison. If you make a dollar, only spend 95 cents, not $1.05. You should be ahead of the game all the time rather than behind as it is harder to work your way out of a hole. You want to play the game from strength, and you have to think ahead. People don’t always want to hear advice when things are going well. People risked everything they had and needed for something they didn’t have or need. Charlie once said, “The problem isn’t getting rich, it’s staying sane.” ~ Warren Buffet http://undergroundvalue.blogspot.com/2009/03/notes-from-buffett-meeting-262009.html

A Life of Gratitude

Came back from my annual visit to Hainan to visit Ah Ma. This time round, the trip is short but good. It was a good time for me to reflect on that things that have happened in the recent year passed.

Ah Ma is good. She has had her cataracts removed and is much healthier now. So because she can see now, she is more active. She moves around, walks out and even makes her own soup. She never told me till now, she hasn't been able to see me the past couple of years I went to see her. All she saw was a shadow even when I am standing in front of her face. It's good. Am glad things are getting better.

The relatives all commented that I am happier, more sociable and more talkative this year. I didn't realise it till they mentioned it but yes, that is true. I realised too that I am more engaged this year as well. And it makes a difference when I am engaged. I am present and everything is more alive and the experience is more acute.

When I was just there, I was reflecting how happy I am these days. I am finding out that money can't buy happiness. I am happy now and the money I was paid back then isn't enough to buy my happiness.

I have so much I am thankful for in my life right now. It feels amazing to finally come home and find so many things that are beautiful and precious to me. To have real friends and relationships with real people. To be consistent in my relationships and face the ups and downs of relationships without running away and without fear that the downs mean the end.

I was a reading a book last night and one of the characters reflected that 'happiness is boring', that's why we all want something to happen all the time. I remember what William Peterson who plays Gil Grissom on CSI said when he was asked in an interview what he considered the most understated value in Hollywood. His answer was this: "People don't realise the value of having someone complain that you are not spending enough time with them."

Was talking today to some people today and I said something that I like. I said, "Maybe at the end of the day, there is no great mystery to life, no grand answer, and we are not all called to be heroes." We are just called to live everyday. Every morning when we wake up, we have choices, to be or not to be. And if it is to be, what and who are we to be? And that is perhaps what the journey is all about. Learning to be who we truly are, and to truly live. And in that being, we are eternal and natural. Just like the rising and the setting of the sun. Just like how we breathe and eat and drink and walk. Just like how a tree grows. So I guess, yes, happiness is boring. Nirvana is boring, like heaven is boring. Cos it is just about life everyday. And yet, if we should sit and think about it. The rising and setting of the sun is an awesome thing. It is an everyday miracle that we take for granted, just like our waking and sleeping. So I am grateful for everyday and everything I have in my life.

This happiness is like a never ending echo in my life currently. It's like my soul is singing with the echoes of happiness. I never thought coming back would be like this. I don't know why it is like this though. I feel so blessed. And I know that more good things will come because as I have been blessed, I will also be given the opportunity to bless. I feel like my life is so full right now that nothing could make it fuller, but of course we are human and there will always be things that can make us happier – like a higher pay, getting my poems published (haha) etc. But at the core, I am grateful that I have and will always want to have this attitude of gratitude that I possess right now. It also includes the ability to see light in every situation, no matter how bad. I guess it's cos I am happy these days that I am also more even-tempered. In a way, I feel like I am that person I was in Tasmania again, when I could stand in a queue for a couple of hours and not get impatient :O.

Life is great. I wake up every morning grateful for everything. Sometimes I look at the path I took and wonder about so many things. Humanitarian relief work was something I pursued for so hard and so long. It was something I loved and felt I was perfect for - a calling, if there is such a thing. But now, home feels good. I like the consistency, the regular rhythm of everyday life. Wake up, work, muay thai, din with gf, sleep. I feel stable and grounded. So what did the past mean? What makes up life?

I was in Hainan and was journaling about the entire flow of events last year. I thought it started with muay thai cos that's how hy and I started talking, how I found my muay thai family and muay thai is also what made me eventually make the choice to come home even if I had consciously not articulated it then. But as I looked back further, it just seemed it was all meant to happen... .

If the movie 'Chocolate' hasn't come out then, I wouldn't haven watched it just before I broke up with my ex. If we hadn't broken up, I wouldn't have decided to take up muay thai. When my friend finally signed up, she did it with another friend and they happened to be the last two for a full class. If the class wasn't full, I wouldn't have had to trawl the internet for a school nearer my place. When I called and emailed them, they were in Thailand for matches and no one responded to me. Yet, when I decided to go down and take a look myself, they had just come back. Just like that, I found RTF and my 师父 and 师兄. Because of muay thai, hy and I started talking. And it was her friend who got me the writing assignments. The only regret I have is leaving my job in school cos I was happy there. But if I hadn't left that, I wouldn't have gone to a place that turned out to be unhappy and looked for muay thai. So I guess, all things were meant to be. I guess that also contributes to my feeling peaceful cos it feels good to know it has all been planned and I am fulfilling destiny. And it will all lead to good tidings and faith.

It is awesome! Everything is just awesome :)